i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
