I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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