He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
