just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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