I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
