textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
