Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have post one night stand depression
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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