I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
