it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
