I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
