piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
