woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
