My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
