Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize