I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
