mondays should just be called national damage control day
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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