So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm really busy with my period
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