I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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