weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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