I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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