Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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