She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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