Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize