I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
