Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
