I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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