i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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