Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
only you would photoshop your dick
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
