Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
