i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
