What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
