my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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