i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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