When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
