It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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