the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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