im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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