just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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