You can't motorboat a personality
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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