okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
