i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
