Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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