and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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