you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize