woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
