I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
should my penis look like a turkey
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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