Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My vagina is officially offended.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
