My cat gives me a boner
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My liver just had a heart attack.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
