2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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