You smell like a Billy Joel song
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
