Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
