I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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