so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
