Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it hurts more in the daytime
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
