I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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