I hate your face
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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