I haven't been this sober since birth.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
as a side note pls kill me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize