Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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