he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The best revenge is premature balding
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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