That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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