Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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