Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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