i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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