Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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