real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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