I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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