I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
