i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
